Saturday, April 02, 2005

Evil Glenn - Substitute Teacher? (A Filthy Lie)

(Part VI of the Evil Glenn Saga)

So I got word that my physics teacher was going to be absent on Tuesday. This was great! Now I didn't have to listen to his incoherent ramblings about his trip to Italy for another day! That was not to be the case, however. My joy was tempered when I walked into the classroom to discover none other than EVIL GLENN!

I tried to hide my identity, but he knew it was me. "Ah, well if it isn't the Babaganoosh. I'm surprised the university hasn't expelled you for being white and using a name like THAT yet. Then again, I'm surprised this university hasn't expelled ALL you dirty white folks."

The guy a row in front of me looked over. "Uh... aren't you white?"

"SILENCE!" Evil Glenn vaporized the student into nothingness with a flick of his wrist. I don't know why he didn't do that to everyone he opposed. Probably the law of Villain Incompetence.

Evil Glenn moved to the front of the class. "Now, I know your usual professor was teaching you about electricity, magnetics, and flux in his last lecture, but today we're going to go back to chapter 4 and discuss one-dimensional motion again. Take this hobo, for instance." He pointed to a hobo hanging 20 feet off the ground. "When I kick this board out from under this contraption, the hobo will fall to his death upon this sharp spear that I am currently impaling into the ground. This shows the law of gravity. Great friction between his body and the spear causes the slowdown between when he hits the spear, dies, and then slumps to the ground impaled. Just watch." He kicked the board, and the hobo died just as Glenn had planned it. Very bloodily. Approximately 20 percent of the class ran out of the room.

The next day I woke up late and rushed to Chemistry. I couldn't believe it. Evil Glenn! Once again, he had a hobo with him. I knew the results were NOT going to be pretty. "Now, class. Many of you still don't understand the effects of weak-acid equilibria. Watch as I throw this glass of hydrocyanic acid, a generally weak acid, into this hobo's eyes. About 14 peoples' jaws hit the ground simultaneously. Then he threw it. "OH MY GOD!" cried the hobo, covering his eyes.

Without even flinching, Evil Glenn pulled out a yellowish-green bottle. "And this is a strong acid, Hydrofluoric Acid. Watch." He threw that in the hobo's eyes, blinding him and dropping him to the floor, where Evil Glenn stabbed him repeatedly to end his misery. Seeing as I had biology at 9:00, and it was a 15 minute walk, I left chemistry at 8:40, 10 minutes before it ended.

At 8:56 I arrived in the biology building and walked up the flight of stairs to class. Awaiting me was none other than EVIL GLENN! "How in the world did you get here before me?" I asked. "What are you talking about? I've been here since 8 AM." Now I was thoroughly confused. "Now get in your seat before I murder you like the hobo you are."

In Biology, the hobo Evil Glenn brought fared no better. In this class he decided to show us how piranhas ate their food. It was VERY disturbing. I'll not go into it here. He continued the lesson by scratching his nails into the chalkboard, as I expected.

Suddenly, the side door opened and Glizzenn burst in! "Babaganizzle! Thank G to the O to the D almighty you are alright! That is NOT the real deal, holmes!" Thankfully, no one noticed this except me and four other people. I looked at him. "Please translate what you just said into American, or at least English English."

"That is not Glenn Reynolds. It is a member of his dark Nanobot Army consisting of billions of nanobots. Or should I say, NANOBAZIZZLES! Holmes, Evil Glennizzle has a Floating Battlesizzle the size of Vermont and it is heading this wizzle! He's gonna bust a cap in all our bootylicious selves!"

I looked out the door and saw it. A Floating Battlestation. Not the size of Vermont, but bigger than an airplane by a factor of around 12. Heading my way. Or... not, as it passed over my head due south... towards Washington DC! What's Evil Glenn up to now?

Glizzenn looked at me. "It doesn't matter what Evil Glenn is up to now." (That was incredibly creepy) "What mizatters is that he's got his e to the v to the i to the l clizzones substituting for teachers across colleges and universitizzles across the country and not even calling people Little Eichmizzles! The only one still here is that Arab Insurgent guy who hates Jews! Abu Mazen Al-T-sizzle or sumptin. Maybe he can help us."

I told him that Abu Mazen was not going to help us. Just then my chemistry teacher Evil Glenn and physics teacher Evil Glenn entered the room. It looked like a battle was about to commence.

Thankfully, a battle never did commence, as the Glenn robo-clones shorted out at the same time. Glizzen checked one and found the problem. "All outta da juice. Da PUPPY JUICE!" He pulled a bottle out of his pocket and drank from it. Eyew. These Glenn clones must have been a distraction as Mr. Reynolds went to Washington.

Should FrankJ be concerned? Find out in Part VII!

Frank J, Sarah K, and the War on Terror - PGH

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
(Part V of the Evil Glenn Saga)

I sat back in my reclining chair and turned on MSNBC, as any good patriot would. Imus was just finishing up. There was to be an announcement by President Bush concerning the war on terror any moment, and I wanted to live-blog it.

"My fellow 'Mericans" the President began. "We have a brand new weapon in the war on Terror. A way this war, and all future wars, will be fought. You see, two bloggers, Frank J, and SarahK, are gettin' murried. And they ain't gay, so don't worry. Unless Frank's a woman. Ah did catch him breast-feeding a cat once. But I'm pretty sure they're heter-hetro-hamster-not gay. Yeah. And they're our new weapon in the war on terror."

"Mister President", spoke up John Kerry, who had yet to sign his SF-180, "How can you insist on using two members of the common people who just happened to meet in the blogo-globe as a weapon in the war on terror?"

"First off, it's Blogo-sphurr", replied the President. Still wrong, but closer. "These two lovestruck weapons-happy bloggers will have the terrorists cowering in their spider holes."

Mohammed al-Q-something looked towards his "Insurgentmates". "This is bad news. They were tough enough to take on the Puppy Blender, AND competent enough to put up with Aquaman. Perhaps we should just put down our weapons and read the Qu'ran peacefully to ourselves like average American Muslims."

Abu Mazen al-T-something-else gave his comrade a stern glance and a butt to the back of his head with a rifle. "There will be no complacency within our ranks. We serve Allah, and Allah alone, with kickbacks to Cotecna, of course."

A loud chorus of "Cotecna Akhbar!" broke out. That was the last thing they were able to say, however, before a group of marines arrived at their location, quickly followed by SarahK and with FrankJ breast-feeding both cats simultaneously leading up the rear. The marines took out their standard-issue weaponry, and SarahK and FrankJ both pulled out their biggest guns as well. It was quite a sight for the terrorists to see Frank pull out his guns with the cats still attached, but he did it anyway, and proceeded to shoot six terrorists to death.

After about a 4-minute gun battle, all that were left were Mohammed Al-Q and Abu Mazen Al-T. Mohammed once again implored Abu Mazen to give up his terrorist ways. This time, Abu Mazen relented. "I won't have to like Jews, will I?"

One of the marines responded. "Only if you promise to become a college professor. Those guys can hate Jews all they want but we still can't do anything about them."

The first battle with FrankJ and SarahK was a success, and they weren't even married! This was going to change the way the US fought the war on terror, and in ways no one expected.

"Hmmm... so Frank J and SarahK are being used as weapons in the war on terror, whereas I'm sitting here blogging." mused Glenn Reynolds from his floating battlestation. He then had an idea. Glenn walked past the plush-chamber and past the dungeon and into the pilot's room. Apparently, Evil Glenn also had Stan Lee strapped to a chair and being forced to pilot the Evil Floating Battlestation! (just imagine his logo flying overhead)

"Fly to the Tora Bora region along the Afghanistan/Pakistan border. No questions, just do as I say. Frank J and SarahK cannot one-up me!" Stan Lee grudgingly began piloting in that direction. "Faster, Lee, or else you'll join this hobo in my Dead Pool!" With that, Evil Glenn snapped a hobo's neck and Stan Lee picked up the Floating Battlestation's pace.

The Floating Battlestation arrived over Tora Bora. Evil Glenn looked down at the mountains and caves and immediately knew where to go. "There. Osama is in that cave there. Pilot it over there." Glenn was now speaking to himself. "You know, Osama, you wander from place to place without a permanent home or a means of livelihood anymore. That makes you a hobo, and completely worth murdering." He moved over to his Insta-panel of Doom and opened up a small hatch, from which a red button emerged.

"Time to drop the Insta-Bomb" He smirked. He pressed the button, and a hatch opened underneath the battlestation, and a giant A-Bomb dropped out of it onto Tora Bora!"

Osama bin Laden's last words were "This was not the Instalanche I had in mind!" Then there was nothing.

My senses tingled, so I switched over to FoxNews just in time for a Breaking News bulletin. Osama bin Laden was killed by a mysterious floating battlestation?! WTF?

President Bush sat back in his chair and laughed. This was exactly what Chimpy the Shrub McBusHitler had in mind when he put the two together on his taskforce. He counted on the Insta-rage to boil over great enough to drop the Insta-bomb and make an Insta-Corpse out of Osama. And he got what he planned. Frank J and SarahK would have a bigger effect on the War on Terror than either of them would ever realize.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Quote of the Day (May be Dirty)

Guy 1: Well, I'll tell you - it looks stranger than a cat spinning around in a dryer.
Guy 2 (hippie-person): What?! Dude, that's completely screwed up.
Guy 1: Relax man - I'm not speaking from experience. Sheesh.
Guy 2: Still...
Guy 1: It's not like I have a dryer.
Guy 2: WTF?! O_O

And of course guy 1 was me.
I don't have a cat, either - so don't be so worried.
Plus, I like cats more than dogs, and dogs don't go in dryers, they go in blenders.

Introducing Glizzenn!

(Part IV of the Evil Glenn Saga)

I was sitting there, drinking a shot of orange juice, watching MXC on Spike TV, when the mail came. Surprisingly, there was a letter from someone named Reynolds, G. I was now worried. Was it time for payback for my little joke in which I stupidly used my own telephone?

Did I dare open it? Would it contain anthrax? Would it contain a blue dress? I shuddered at the thought. I took out my letter opener and quickly sliced the top of the envelope away. A letter came out, unharmed. I picked it up off the floor and read it.

"At 2:41 fo sho, I will arrive. Be ready, mah nizzle." At first glance thinking it was some sort of incomprehensible foreign language, I then realized it was plain English thanks to the Great Society and Lyndon Johnson, among others. I looked at the clock. 2:37. Crap.

Sure enough, at 2:41, my doorbell rang. This was especially odd since I don't have a doorbell. I looked through the peephole (which I also don't have), to see another eyeball staring right back at me (don't you HATE it when people like me do that to you?)

"I'm here to help you, my brotha! I'm gonna save your bee-yotch!" I stopped, puzzled, not knowing whether to open the door or call 9-1-1. Unfortunately, I couldn't remember the number, so I opened the door. There stood a six foot white guy in tacky pimp clothes and the most outrageous car I could ever imagine. He shook my hand. "My name is Glizzenn Reynolds, and I'm here to help you and get revenge for what my creator did to me."

I looked at him. "Why not Frank J?" I asked. "He was bought out by some Japanese company which I THINK could be part of an Evil Glenn/Anime/Plush Company/Halliburton caba- I mean, Halibizzling Cabazztic My Knucka!"

A drop of sweat ran down the side of my head just like in all those cartoons. "Did you say you were going to save my bee-yotch? What in the holy smurf is a bee-yotch?"

Glizzen paused, as if comprehending the fact that I had no idea what the hell he was saying. "A bee-yotch is your gal, man! That reporter chick that's being held by Glenn and his thugz! What's her name - Oh I can't remembizzle!"

Another awkward silence. "If you're referring to Akatsuki, she is not my bee-yotch, gal, or girl as we normal people say it. It is a strictly business relationship. I do believe that I can get her back to work safely from Evil Glenn's clutches one way or another."

Glizzen cocked his head as if to say something incoherent and stupid. "Don't be disrespecting yo bee-yotch, son - you'll live to regrizzle it. Now, I don't care if you wanna or not, fo sho you and yo thugz are gonna bring this Instapunditizzle down wit' me!"

It was worse than I thought. Even worse than the time I was asked during a report on cloning whether we could somehow fuse cattle genes with a tomato to make a tomato that tasted like a cow or at least a tomato-sized cow. (Don't ask - that really happened)

"You want me to help you infiltrate Evil Glenn's Dark Castle of HoboMurderedness to rescue my employee and get revenge on your boss? Is that what I'm getting out of this?"

He corrected me. "Evil Glizzenn is my creatizzle. Creator, as you say"

My jaw dropped to the ground. I didn't catch that if he said it before. This was getting more screwed up every second. Then, without thinking:

"Sure, I've done stupider things." - Maybe it's time to reconsider that.

What will happen to the Babaganoosh and Glizzenn Reynolds? What does Glizzenn mean by "his creator"? How sleep-deprived must I be to come up with these last two posts? Find out whenever I get the urge to continue! ^-^

Update: Replace that ^-^ with "O_O"

Gizoogling Is Bad For You and Glenn

The Gizoogle Translation of Instapundit may be the funniest thing I've ever seen. Scroll down to the 11:11 AM post from 3/31, and try not to laugh when you see "Glizzenn Reynolds" talk about the "Constitutizzle".

I am now claiming Glizzenn Reynolds henceforth as a fictional character for all future assaults/insults in PGHs and Filthy Lies. No. This is not an April Fools' joke. ^-^

What IS an April Fools' joke is the current IMAO website. Don't be alarmed. Look in the FAQ and you'll see a question about Aquaman. Should tip you off.

Also in the running for best Gizoogle Characters/Things:
2) Wanna Be Gangsta Willis (Unintentionally Hilarious) [Note that he also cheers for a team that performed dismally. Gotta give him props for that, no matter what his politics]
3) Michelle Malkin's page finds a strange quote apparently uttered by Ronald Reagan.
4) Press Blingin' by Scizzott McClellan. Need I say more?
5) Sadly, Sortapundit's website does not load. However, the Gizoogle search still brings him up as Sortapizzle.
6) No matter how Gizoogle translates it, this will ALWAYS be translated funny.

Update: I have found that the Gizoogle Translations change from time to time, so I am using the screen capture tool to save the pics to my photobucket account.

2nd Update: If any blogger included in this round-up would like their Gizoogle Link/Screen Cap removed, just send an e-mail to (add the @, toss the dashes)