Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Need To Waste Two Hours?

Flash Flash Revolution

Exactly what it sounds like, except for those of us who can't dance. ^-^

Just don't get caught on the job.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Evil Glenn's April Fools Day Prank (A Filthy Lie)

[A Filthy, Filthy, Filthy Lie]
(Part III of the Evil Glenn Saga)

Evil Glenn scowled. Frank J and Harvey had gotten him. While half-asleep, he had woke up that morning to prepare his breakfast smoothie. But something was amiss. It tasted so strange. He splashed cold water in his face to wake himself up, and he looked down into his puppy storage bin to see what was wrong with his latest drink.

Cat fur.

Harvey and Frank had tricked him into drinking a kitty smoothie, today, April 1st. Then it hit him. He had been April Fooled!

It was time for revenge.

Evil Glenn got into his Evil-Glennmobile and headed off to teach. However, he couldn't see out his back window, and he could hear people cheering him on from behind him. He pulled over and saw the sticker attached to his back window "Jesus Christ is my Savior". Angrily, he ripped it down, knowing that basil's Coalition of the Willing was behind it.

It was time for revenge.

When Glenn got to his office, there was another surprise awaiting him - a note from the University President to meet with him immediately. Upon reaching the office, the president pushed a paper over to Glenn entitled "Capitalism Roxxors!" by one "Evil Glennn Reynolds"

Evil Glenn knew immediately that the three "N"s signified the work of Ogre. The President of the University just looked at him. "How do you explain this, Dr. Reynolds? You realize that all university professors are to take an oath to Communism's Glory before their hiring, do you not? If I recall, you took the oath yourself and renewed it for seven consecutive years!"

"This paper was not written by me! I would never soil the name of the great Mao, agrarian reformer of great justice!" Glenn ripped up the paper and stormed back to his office. That was three times he had been nailed by the Alliance.

It was time for revenge.

Evil Glenn had no sooner sat down at his desk when his phone rang. "Yes? What do you mean? OUT OF BUSINESS?! WHO THE SMURF COULD HAVE PUT ME OUT OF BUSINESS! McCain?! How could he stop my penguin porn business?! WHAT?! PANDA PORN?! THAT'S BRILLI-I MEAN, DISGUSTING!"

Evil Glenn slammed the phone down. "Hmm... how can I get into the business of selling Panda Porn? It seems... intriguing... Wait a minute..." He looked at his caller ID

(523)-310-3441: Babaganoosh, T M

"ROAR!" roared Glenn. For the fourth time before 8 AM, he had been pranked upon by Alliance Bloggers. It would not be the last, as he promptly logged onto his computer to blog, but received an e-mail instead touting "Lebanese Protest Goodness!" Naturally following his baser instincts, he clicked on the link.

A windows button appeared on his computer, saying "Check your leftmost file cabinet!" Glenn was puzzled, but once again, he did. As he did, a bucket of excrement fell upon him. He knew somehow that it had something to do with monkeys, and thus SpaceMonkey was implicated. (Didn't I say it was a filthy, filthy, filthy lie?)

It was time for revenge.

Five tricks would have to be repayed. Well, close to it, anyway. He still had that advantage over the Babaganoosh in that he still held his reporter captive (and knew how to use caller ID). He also still held the advantage over SpaceMonkey in that he had murdered more hobos. Glenn locked his office door and went to work.

First was the blog. He set up an April Fools' Template and began giving Insta-Lanches to the Deaniac/Far Left side of the blogosphere, as well as the Uber-Islamist "wing" of the 'sphere (Electronic Intifada received its largest visit total ever), shocking even bloggers not in on the act, like John Hawkins of Right Wing News, who was heard to say "What in the smurf?!" and Michelle Malkin, who was suspended somewhere between meltdown and probably meltdown.

He then hit gold when he visited IMAO. It seems SarahK was to become SarahJ! This was getting to be perfect, but then he found something even moreso, and it became less of an April Fools' prank and more of one of Evil Glenn's evil schemes of pure evil evil! The sight of this picture gave him all the incentive he needed to crash the wedding and then steal Frank's soul! He began to laugh in his own maniacally Heh-ish laughing way. Not surprisingly, this was immediately followed by birds flying away from their perches on trees a la a horror flick. Evil Glenn just continued his laughing. Frank J's soul would be his.

*By the way, congrats to Frank J and SarahK! ^_^

Thursday, March 17, 2005

North Korea's Grievances - A Precision Guided Humor Assignment

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
(An INCREDIBLY gratuituous over-use of links post)

Due to blogger bugginess, this post was accidentally posted when it was around 5 to 10% complete. Ignore this post for now. It's going to be updated.

Harvey of the Alliance has commanded us to set our sights upon a foe other than Evil Glenn this time around.

Why is North Korea so grumpy?

Well, I do believe that my wonderful agents/multiple personalities have been able to dig up a few things that could be bothering the Totalitarian Police State as of lately.

1. Go here. Look whose name appears under the title. They don't like that.
2. That whole "outpost of tyranny" escapade.
3. That South Korea was not united with the North under Communism after 1953.
4. That South Korea got to host the World Cup in 2002.
5. Kim Jong Il lost a $15,000 bet on the first Survivor...
6. ...and another $30,000 on the first winners of American Idol (yecch)...
7. and then somehow LOST on his own version of North Korean Idol!
8. Michael Moore once tried to eat the country because he thought "DPRK" was pronounced "Da Pork". This resulted in Kim Il Sung's death in 1994.
9. Jealous that Evil Glenn wouldn't post any pictures of North Korean Protest Babes. Indeed.
10. Were never tortured at Abu Ghraib by women's undergarments.
11. Were upset that the flattering article about them didn't occur in a major newspaper.
12. Have never been misquoted or pseudoepigraphized by anyone named "Yong Tang"
13. Kim Jong Il lost in a hair vs. hair match against Jesse the Body Ventura in 1981.
14. US is stonewalling investigation into strangled diplomat.
15. Upset that US used a North Korean nuke on Antarctica.
16. Bill Clinton's selection of Monica was an insult to emaciated North Korean women everywhere.
17. The US keeps electing Jews to public office.
18. That whole "Capitalism" thing. Kim is not a fan.
19. Mysterious drop in all things puppy since DPRK-instapundit showed up on the scene.
20. Kofi Annan once mailed them a stern warning, but missed a key on his computer and spelled "DPRK" as "DORK". Kim was not amused.
21. Dick Vitale won't stop talking about "The Dukies!"
22. Robert Blake never asked any Koreans to kill his wife.
23. Michael Jackson once molested every single child in North Korea, leading to the current state of affairs.
24. BUSH LIED! PEOPLE DIED!
25. HALLIBURTON!
26. Can't believe that Brit Hume has yet to resign.
27. Were promised pics of JEFF GANNON TRUTH GOODNESS, yet received nothing.
28. The "Axis of Evil" Speech
29. The Red Sox won the world series. Made me pretty miffed too.
30. Bobby Lee's portrayal of him on MADtv left much to be desired. Firstly, Bobby wasn't b@t$#!t insane enough.
31. Kim's tired of that whole "Dissent is Patriotic" meme.
32. He's sick and tired of countless spam on his blog.
33. Is sick of hearing people STILL using the phrase "All your base are belong to us"
34. Bilateral Talks replaced with Unilateral Invasion
35. A monkey killed Kim's family.
36. North Koreans are upset that the rest of the world has food.
37. Still miffed over the moon landing. C'mon! It was 35 years ago!
38. Creation of Israel? They're still bitter. Well, those who can read a map, anyway.
39. The US HAS STILL NOT SIGNED THE KYOTO PROTOCOL!
40. The US is acting way too Heteronormative.
43. Found out he wasn't on the phone book of Paris Hilton
44. North Koreans are still stuck playing Sega Genesis consoles.
45. Uh... the South has a much higher standard of living than the North does.
46. Can't even get smeared by FrontPage anymore.
47. Frank J. peed on all of their cats' heads.
48. Aquaman couldn't save them from any ACTUAL trouble.
49. Got confused with Vietnam one too many times.
50. North Koreans still upset that they got the part of the country bordering Russia
51. Someone once compared Kim's hair to a merkin. (I hope the blogosphere doesn't eat me alive for that one)
52. It's that time of the month. What? They need an excuse for each week of the year?

Oh... wait. I guess they do.

Update: Because I can:
53: There's no such thing as North Korea. Karl Rove created it in an attempt to bolster the Neo/Theo-Cons scare tactics platform so they could elect Chimpy The Shrub McChurchyBusHitler.
54: Justice Kennedy found that they had a right to be grumpy while perusing the Constitution and comparing it with foreign documents.
55: They got confused for North Carolina too. (sorry, Ogre ^_^)
56: Because Stone Cold Said So. (That's almost a decade old reference now - wow.)

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Evil Glenn's Investment Advice (A Filthy Lie)

(Part II of the Evil Glenn Saga)

Chief Harvey gave out the latest assignment last night, and he seems to get confused in the middle of it.

Everyone knows it costs more to get a one-line ad posted at Instapundit than it does to buy 120 seconds of airtime in the middle of the Superbowl. So what does Glenn do with all that money? I'll bet he's got a brilliant plan for it all. Which I want you to discover.

Your Filthy Lie Assignment this week is to answer the question:

If you asked Evil Glenn for investment advice, what would he tell you?

After losing Akatsuki two weeks before, I was in a downer. She was an excellent reporter, always with the best stories. Modestly cute, too - but she had disappeared. When Harvey sent this note out to the Alliance, I figured this would be my best chance to find out what happened to her. I quickly donned a John Bolton-esque moustache and packed my bags. I was going to Tennessee as a British businessman. The name was (insert British accent) Reg. Reginald Fairfield. (Do not ask how I know of this)

The trip to Evil Glenn's Evil Hideout which the University of Tennessee somehow ignored (it had a big "Kentucky Sucks" banner on it, so maybe they just figured it was a regular building anyway) was an uneventful one. However, as soon as I arrived at the door, it began raining blood. That was usually not a good sign.

When I opened the door to Evil Glenn's office, his chair was turned around. I could see part of his computer screen. It looked to be pornographic. Whether it was penguin-related or Lebanese-chick-related, I wouldn't know. Without turning around, he spoke. "Ah, Mitsurugi of Mitsurugi's Baba Ganoosh. I'm disappointed Harvey only sent you. Well, you and the Taco Bell Chihuahua, but I... dealt with that earlier. Let's just say tacos go great with pureed puppy." I winced. He continued. "Yes, so, Mitsurugi, have you come to find out about your female friend?"

"Actually", I started, "You've got the wrong guy. My name is Reginald Fairfield, and I'm looking for investment advice." My plan did not work.

"Reginald Fairfield? Don't make me laugh. Every evil law professor knows that was Boy Meets World, Episode 55." I cringed. I had only heard the name in passing. He must have looked it up on google in the three seconds I wasn't watching. Either that, or he had absolutely no life at all.

"Well, since I'm such an EVIL guy, I'll give you investment advice anyway. My first suggestion is that you either pay me 300 dollars, or you never leave here alive." I quickly paid up, not wanting to suffer the same fate as the chihuahua. "You should by ten shares of Homeless Orren Boyle's Oil. The stock ticker is, of course, HOBO. Just the name makes me want to worship Satan some more. Speaking of Satan, another wise investment is to sell your soul to him, like I did."

I interrupted. "Excuse me?"

Evil Glenn quickly recovered. "I like chocolate. Don't worry. Have one - it's not made of puppies. I haven't quite perfected that recipe. But as I was saying. You want to earn lots of money on the market? Invest in PenguiPorn, ticker symbol PGPRN. On a related note, Lebanese chicks are quite hot."

I interrupted again. "Excuse me? What does that have to-"

"SILENCE!" I silenced. "If you ever want to see your precious reporter again, you'll take my advice. If you own stock of any company that makes plush dolls, I suggest you sell it. The plush industry is looking at hard times ahead." I thought I heard a knock from the far wall, and a voice that sounded like Andrew Sullivan's, but then I figured I made it up.

It was then that the floor dropped out from under me and I found myself back outside. I had failed in both my missions, and all I learned was that Glenn Reynolds was a huge Boy Meets World fan. That made one of us. Man, I hated that show. I also had to report the bad news to Taco Bell. That was gonna be ugly.

Post Script: When dealing with Evil Glenn's investment advice, Caveat Instapundo Delenda McGannouj. Whatever that means. By the way - to answer the first question: What did Evil Glenn do with the money? Buy the "Calendar Girls of Lebanon". That, and lots of plush dolls.

Post Post Script: Anyone who followed Glenn's advice for the year ended up with a 1.4 million hit increase and 60,000 dollar net increase. They also sold their soul to Satan, got arrested for Penguin Porn Possession and got 10 years in jail for punching prison warden Frank J.

PPPS: I've been rather prolific in posting today, haven't I? Don't expect this again anytime soon.

Celebrity Jeopardy! Episode 2

Alex Trebek: Alright, it's time for another episode of Celebrity Jeopardy!

Crowd: *applause*

Trebek: Thankfully for our audience, the winner of game 1, Howard Dean, will not be making his appearance again until Game 4. Today, however, we have three Republicans vying for the title. If those of you in Hollywood can't remember what a Republican is, they're also known as racist, sexist, homophobic, poor-hating, greedy reThuglican Rovian Zionist evil nazi halliburtonesque Chimp-support- hey - who put this on the teleprompter? Hinchey? What the hell are you still doing here?

Hinchey: I'm here to find out the truth!

Trebek: ...Anyway, let's shed some light on our three Republicontestants. The first contestant is none other than President Bush himself!

Hinchey: Chimpy The Shrub McHitlerBurton! I knew it! You gave TREBEK a press pass too?

Trebek: Will security please escort this man out?

Bush: Heh... he doesn't even know half of the conspiracy yet.

Trebek: Our second contestant is self-proclaimed "Super Right-Wing Conservative" John McCain. John, welcome to the show.

McCain: Always a pleasure to be here Alex. Almost as much as it is a pleasure to silence bloggers. Now THERE's a bipartisan operation.

Trebek: Whatever. Our final contestant today is noted GOPper Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut. Joe, how're you doing?

Lieberman: Um... I don't know what I'm doing here - you see - I'm a Democrat.

Trebek: Are you sure about that?

Lieberman: Well, yeah. Seeing as I ran on the vice-presidential ticket AGAINST George over there in 2000 and campaigned for the Democratic Presidential nomination in 2004, I'm pretty sure I'm a Democrat.

Trebek: What do you say to this revelation, Mr. President?

Bush: I say Joey's done a great job towing the party line.

Lieberman: I'm not even in your party! Hey - are you even listening? Are you even AWAKE?!

Trebek: Zzzzz... oh... what were you saying Mr. Lieberman? Oh, nevermind. Let's just get to the categories. They are; 'Conservative Views', 'The Blogosphere'...

McCain: ...after me and Feingold get through with them, they'll surrender so fast as to be known as the Frogosphere...

Trebek: Please be silent until I finish reading the categories. The four remaining categories are... 'Former Presidents', 'North or South', 'State Capitals', and 'Famous Senate Klansmen'. I should tell you that 'Famous Senate Klansman' is one of our infamous categories in which every answer is the same. In this case, the answer is "Who is Senator Robert Byrd." Now that I've given you the answer, you can't get that one wrong.

Bush: I'll take "Bomb Iraq" for 87 billion...

Trebek: Let's just pretend you didn't say that and go with "Former Presidents" for 100. "This man was Ronald Reagan's vice president, and the 41st president of the United States. President Bush, you should probably know this one, as he is your father".

Bush: ...

Lieberman: *sigh* Who is George Bush senior?

Trebek: That's correct, Joe! You sure seem to be good with the history of the GOP.

Lieberman: It was twelve years ago! I defeated the guy's father to win my senate seat!

Trebek: Nevertheless, Senator Lieberman, you have control of the board.

Lieberman: I'll take Conservative Views for 200. And I won't get it right.

Trebek: Alright, Conservative views for-

McCain: Abortion on demand! Big government! Minimum income! Separation of Church and State! Marraige for Gays! 195 other things!

Trebek: No - Senator McCain, you don't have to NAME 200 views conservatives hold, you just have to... wait... conservatives don't even believe any of the things you just said regardless!

McCain: I'm conservative, I believe in them.

Lieberman: That's too Democratic-Partylike even for ME.

Bush: That's because you're a Republican... heh heh.

Trebek: Let's just go to Famous Senate Klansmen for 100. Alright. I already told you the answer, you just have to repeat it. What the?

Bush: Gaaaaak! Gurk! Help! Ah'm... chokin... cough! COFF! GAK!

McCain: *gives him Heimlich* What the? Were you eating pretzels AGAIN?

Bush: *holding pretzel* Um... no. What makes you think that?

Trebek: I think we're just gonna cancel the show tonight. Cut the film.

Lieberman: Did you see that? He left without even saying goodbye! What a rude man he is. I'm so mad that I could vote cloture on the bankruptcy bill right now!

Dean: YEEAARGH! *busts through wall*

Bush: Aw, crap - what's he doing here?

Dean: I hate ReThuglicans and EVERYTHING THEY STAND FOR! *grabs Lieberman*

Lieberman: I'm not a Republican! Dammit! Why does everyone think I'm a Republican?! I beat George Bush's grandfather, for crying out loud!

Bush: Hey, Alex - I'll take North or South for 300. I'm going with the North. I think they can win the Civil War... Alex? Alex? Aw, crap. Alberto, you didn't send Alex to Guantanamo, didja? Alberto? Alberto? YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Bush: *wakes up* Dern. I thought I was on the telly-vision. I wish I could be on television. If only I had beaten President Gore... President... Gore? YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Bush: *wakes up* Dern. *looks over in Laura's direction* Andrew Sullivan? YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Bush: *still there* What in the? LAURRRR-RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAA! *runs out of room screaming*

Jenna *coming from behind dresser*: Did he fall for it?

Laura *taking off AS mask*: Sure sounds like it

Barbara: I think he just gave Mr. Cheney another heart attack...

Monday, March 07, 2005

Link of the Week

If you have not played this game yet, leave and do so now. You will not regret it.

Enjoy it, AND the Baba Gannouj.
HE
Update, 3/8/05, 1:10 AM: My score is posted HERE.
10249.49 meters. As far as I know, that's the highest score. I saw a 9900 and an 8300, but I haven't seen anyone else cross 10000 yet. I'm probably (definitely) wrong, but it's still cool.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Future Decisions of the Supreme Court

The Supreme Court has been making some rather asinine decisions as of late (not as many as the 9th circuit court of appeals, but a few). Most recently was the repeal of Capital Punishment for 72 convicted felons, who were all between the ages of 16 and 17 at the time they committed their crimes. Next will most likely be the case of Kelo v. New London, which could theoretically eliminate the true meaning of Private property. What cases would the Supreme Court decide wrong after that? Let's take a look.

ACLU v. United States - The SCOTUS decides that all references to Christianity in the entire United States constitutes a violation of the establishment clause (it doesn't). Los Angeles, Sacramento, and every city with "San" in the beginning of it are forced to change their names. For some reason, Boston also changes its name... to "Yankees Suck".

Frank J. v. Evil Dark Lord Glenn - The SCOTUS, after eliminating Christianity from the United States, actually does violate the establishment clause by establishing the First Church of Glenn as the official religion of the United States. A civil war quickly ensues between two rival factions, the Heh-ites and the Indeedists.

MSNBC v. Murdoch - The SCOTUS decides that in lieu of the fact that income redistribution is disallowed, viewer redistribution is the next best solution. Fox News is forced to give 117 percent of its viewers to MSNBC in order to even the ratings between Fox News, CNN, CBS, NBC, ABC, MSNBC, and Al-Jazeera. Wuzzadem nearly wets himself at the prospects of another Chris Matthews show.

Franken v. Horowitz - The SCOTUS votes 6-3 in favor of Al Franken, and sentences David Horowitz to 20 more years of being a leftist. Not satisfied with this result, Horowitz has the staff of Frontpage launch him out of a cannon into the sea.

Lieberman v. Clinton I - The SCOTUS, after hearing an appeal from Senator Clinton, sides with her and forces Joe Lieberman to finally join the Republican Party or leave politics. Instead, Lieberman joins the Libertarian party, which doesn't want him either.

Lieberman v. Clinton II - The SCOTUS once again rules against Joseph Lieberman (D-CT), when he attempts to bring a sexual harrassment charge against Bill Clinton. The majority ruling basically states that any harrassment is okay, as long as the victim is "Just a Jooooooo."

Frist v. Byrd - The SCOTUS votes 7-2 to make the "Nuclear Option" illegal. Byrd (D-WV, GK-KKK) and company continue to filibuster all sorts of judicial nominations. This really doesn't have any effect on the constitution.

Planned Parenthood v. Jesus - The SCOTUS does not overturn Roe v. Wade in this legal thriller certain to be made in a movie. Planned Parenthood explains that the 26 million abortions performed since Roe* have prevented at least 26 milion new Hitlers from being born. Jesus attempts to explain that every life is sacred, but when the word "sacred" is uttered in the halls of the court, the justices immediately recognize the Christian aspect of his testimony and throw the case out and then try him for not being an "Evil Glennist." He is convicted and given the Death Penalty.

United States v. Murderer of 714 people - In what has become commonplace for the SCOTUS, an "evolved" reading of the constitution is used to declare the Death Penalty itself a violation of the 8th and 16th amendments. No one can figure out why it is a violation of the 16th amendment, but nevertheless, Jesus' sentence is commuted to life in prison without the possibility of parole. That's a long time to wait behind bars.

Bush v. History Textbooks - George W. Bush sues the makers of several history textbooks which claim that he was worse than Hitler. Helen Thomas, now 419 years old, testifies on behalf of the textbook companies, claiming that "Hitler was democratically elected", and only killed "Jews, not innocent Iraqi children." Naturally, the Supreme Court finds in favor of the textbooks, and forces George W. Bush to legally change his name to "Chimpy The Shrub McHitlerburton".

Johnson v. Kennedy - In what is hailed as a landmark decision by the Democratic Party and the Green Party, the SCOTUS votes 5-4 to condemn Capitalism as illegal and immoral. A socialist system is immediately put into practice in the United States, which eventually causes the downfall of the Supreme Court as it hears one final case before it closes its doors for good.

Wisconsin v. Michigan - Wisconsin notes that the oddly shaped area of land belonging to Michigan actually connects to Wisconsin, and thus claims it for themselves. The SCOTUS vote 5-4 again to give the land to Wisconsin, thus erasing all mentions of a Union from the United States and gives the 50 states unlimited sovereignity. This causes a massive war in which only New York, Hawaii and Montana remain as states, with Connecticut as a protectorate of New York. Montana exists as an autonomous body solely because New York forgets it exists. Alaska is sold back to Russia. New York, then laying claim to 93 percent of the US, abolishes the SCOTUS and sets up the SCOTNY and the SCOTSMAN. No one knows what the abbreviation SCOTSMAN stands for, but it sure is funny.