Sunday, February 27, 2005

Evil Glenn's Rehab Clinic... of DOOM (A Filthy Lie)

(Part I of the Evil Glenn Saga)

My first ever entry into the Filthy Lies realm.
This week's assignment, courtesy of The Alliance:

Recent Googling indicates that Reynolds has opened a Rehab Clinic, but details are sketchy.

Details are sketchy no longer, as I have uncovered the terrifying truth.

Tokyo, Japan - "This is Akatsuki Funiwada reporting live from inside Evil Glenn's Japanese rehab clinic for Drug Abusers and Societal Malcontents. This is Glenn... er, excuse me, EVIL Glenn's noted Rehabilitation Center. But is that what it really does?"

University of Maryland, College Park- "Akatsuki", I start. "You don't really think that Evil Glenn is using his rehabilitation center for the sole purpose of rounding up the hobos of society just so he can murder them at a pace thought impossible only one year before, do you?"

University of Tennessee - Evil Glenn rubbed his chin while watching his monitors. "You know," he said to no one in particular, "I was going to just eliminate this Mitsurugi Babaganoosh group, but if they come up with another idea as brilliant as that, I may just have to add him to my empire - to sacrifice to my dark communist give-me-the-ability-to-go-Frank-punching Lord later, anyway." A pause. He looked into a non-existent camera. "What are you waiting for? ...Oh, right. Indeed."

Tokyo - "It's even worse than that, MB. Sure, he's getting these drug addicts and booze-hounds undrugged and unbamboozled, but it's what he's doing with them AFTER that which has me up in arms."

UMCP - "Will you just get on with it already, Akatsuki? I could be blogging about Bratislava or a different foreign city that I could probably spell wrong! Please tell me this is big news."

Tokyo - "Well, you see - he's warping their minds with our children's anime! They've gone from being drunk to speaking really fast and doing stereotypical offensive "martial arts" and stealing cute cuddly plushy things! I'm not surprised to hear myself say this, but Evil Glenn is using the rehabilitation center to turn these people into his mindless slaves!"

UMCP - All of a sudden, everything clicked. Through a network of myriad possibilities, I had determined the True, EVIL purpose of the rehab center - to put the world's supply of cute, cuddly, plushy things all into the possession of one Glenn Reynolds. First it would be the teddy bears. Then it would be the beanie babies. Then it would be the giant stuffed animals that you win in carnivals. It could even be Andrew Sullivan after that! Well, okay, probably not, but knowing Evil Glenn, one can never be too sure...

"Akatsuki!" I yelled (a little too loudly) into the headset. "I want you to go downstairs and see if there's anything else you can find out about this 'Rehabilitation Center' of pure evil!"

Then all the sounds from my headset went off.

University of Tennessee - A truck pulled up to the building housing the office/secret underground lab of Evil Glenn. It backed up next to a seemingly innocuous chute, which proceeded to open. The truck then poured its contents down the chute - and it was full of the plushy stuff. As it fell down into Glenn's lair, he could only help but laugh.

Then the door opened, and Andrew Sullivan entered Glenn's office. "You said you wanted to see me about WHAT crisis involving the Log Cabin republicans? What the? What's going on here?"

As a crane picked up Sullivan and dropped him into Glenn's pit of myriad dolls and plush, Evil Glenn could only help but laugh even harder.

Friday, February 25, 2005

Celebrity Jeopardy! Episode 1

Alex Trebek walked to the stage with his notecards in hand. He thought the three contestants looked a tad familiar, but would never have guessed that today's show would turn out something like that of the SNL fame.

"Well, we've got three new contestants today on Celebrity Jeopardy, and all three of them have political clout. Our first contestant is Howard, of Vermont. Howard, tell us a bit about yourself."

"Alex, I hate Republicans and everything they stand for." Howard Dean said this to a large round of applause.

"Is there anything else you'd like to tell us about yourself?"

Dean scanned the audience. "Alex, I'd like to congratulate you for bringing this many minorities into the audience. I bet a Jeopardy! cast full of GOP power-brokers couldn't get as many minorities in here unless they invited the hotel staff."

Alex backed up a couple steps, hopeful that none of that was actually filmed. He sauntered over to the second contestant.

"This is Maurice, out of New York. Maurice, tell the audience a little bit about YOURself."

"Well, Alex, my name is Maurice Hinchey, and I'm a legislator out of New York state. Before I say anything else though, I'd like to say that the answer to Final Jeopardy! is Karl Rove."

"Excuse me?"

"I said Karl Rove did it! I don't have any proof, per se, but I have that feeling."

"O...kay. I'm going to check in with our third contestant now. Anything you'd like to tell us that the audience at home would find interesting?"

"Alex, my name is Dan. I held a steady job for 30+ years until a group of salivating lynch-mobbers took me out because they couldn't handle the truth."

Trebek was already thinking about calling it a night, but no. He checked his watch. Twenty-six minutes more of this, and he was free. First, though, he had to get through the opening round of Jeopardy!

"Alright. Let's see what the categories are." He moved slowly from the left side of the board to the right, making sure the three moonbats understood him. "We have "Past Presidents", "Current Affairs" -

Hinchey rang his buzzer. "Jeff Gannon and President Bush! I KNOW IT!"

Trebek looked at him with an extremely puzzled expression. "It's not time yet, Congressman. I ask that you refrain from ringing the buzzer until I actually READ a question. Now, as I was saying. The last four categories are: "Columnists", "Blogs", "Evil Glenn", and "The Number Seven." As is usually the case, the answers to the last category are all 7. Howard, you have control of the board."

Dean eyed the categories suspiciously before finally declaring his choice. "I'm going to go with Past Presidents for 100, Alex. Except I'm taking it for 0 dollars, because capitalism is evil."

"Alright. For 100 dollars,"

"Ahem"

"For 0 dollars, which president recently had a nuclear attack submarine named after him?"

Dan Rather hit his buzzer. "Who is the late great Jimmy Carter?"

Somewhere in the audience, Charles Johnson laughed.

Alex straightened his tie. "Even though technically, he's not dead, the judges say we can give you the question anyway. So you're in the lead with - never mind, you still have nothing thanks to Howard. But now you have control of the board."

Rather shuffled behind his podium. "What do you mean he's not dead? My documents here seem to say otherwise, though I do get that you don't wanna believe that he is. I can't believe it myself. When I heard it, my mood was lower than a snake's belly in a wagon rut."

Alex seemed to be running out of patience already. "Just pick a category!"

"I'll take "The Number Seven" for 300."

Deep down, Alex Trebek knew that none of these three contestants would manage the right answer for this question. It just wasn't meant to be. Then he got an idea. "Alright. Take the number of WMDs found in Iraq to date, and add seven. Would someone please give me the answer?"

Dean was first. Trebek figured he had picked something that Dean could not possibly miss. He was to be denied this joy, however, by a technicality. "What is eight?"

"Eight? How in the world did you figure eight? The category is the number seven!"

"Well, I took 7 to start with, and then added the Weapon of Mass Destruction that is Republican/American Hegemony!"

Trebek smacked his forehead. He didn't want to have to move into Final Jeopardy! just yet, so he decided to pick a category himself. "You know what? We're just going to "Evil Glenn" for 500. That's 500 dollars, Mr. Dean, whether or not you like it. In fact, let's just assume that I'm redistributing 500 dollars from me to you. That way, you can take it and actually give it to the charity of your choice."

Hinchey grimaced. "Dean is nothing more than a Rove plant. His "charity" is probably just paying for Michael Moore's food budget. Moore's another Rove plant. That guy has so many plants, he's like a greenhouse. In that vein, did I mention that Karl Rove is responsible for the Greenhouse effect AND for that matter, Global WarmingTM? On top of that, it was Jeff Gannon who then seduced Rove and convinced him to tell Chimpy McBusHitler not to sign the Kyoto Protocol!"

Dan Rather looked up from his documents. "My unimpeachable sources can prove that."

Trebek contemplated putting a gun to his head, but decided to do plan B and actually ask the question.

"Alright. For 500 dollars, would someone please tell me who runs the conservative side of the Blogosphere? As a hint, look at the name of the category."

Hinchey rang first. Trebek suspected the worst, and got it. "What is the Democratic Underground?" Hinchey enquired.

"No. While the Democratic Underground is an interesting read, I believe they would most decidedly take offense at being labeled conservative, Congressman. I would also like to point out that technically, it is not a blog."

"Are you kidding? They run the entire right-wing side of the internet! You see these facts about Rove and Gannon and Bush, and those people at DU aren't talking about them enough! It's some sort of coverup!" Hinchey followed this by actually taking a breath and allowing the anger to leave his face.

Rather was next to buzz in. "Who is Frank J?" Trebek just ignored him and moved onto Howard Dean.

"I couldn't tell you. Like I said, I hate Republicans and everything they stand for."

"I said conservative, not Republican, chairman Dean."

"Same diff- hey, I like that. 'Chairman Dean.' I've heard it somewhere before, but I still like it. I also like 'Mean Dean', but you probably never watched mid 80's WWF/WWE wrestling. That's where I learned most of my fighting skills."

Trebek went back to Plan A1: Final Jeopardy! "Let's just move onto 'Final Jeopardy!', where the category is "The Supreme Court."

A minute elapsed. "Alright - now here's the question: George Bush is trying to eventually move the supreme court to the right to possibly overturn this earlier ruling."

Another minute elapsed. "Alright, it's time to see your answers. First up is you, Mr. Rather. Let's see what you have."

It was a picture. "A man riding on a horse into the sunset. Rather apt, but not the correct answer. I'll donate 100 dollars to your favorite charity out of spite, just because it seems that you don't want to. Next up is."

Dean had re-written his nametag. "Chairman Mao-ward Dean. I don't know what to make of this, but let's see what you wrote. You wrote "Yeargh!"

Dean leapt on top of the podium. "No! It's like this! YEEEARRRRGH!" He then proceeded to run through the entire audience and plowed through an entire section of schoolchildren before busting a hole through the set and exiting.

"Last would be you, Congressman Hinchey. Let's see what you wrote."

The Constitution. "The Constitution? Care to explain yourself for our judges?"

Once again, Trebek had given Hinchey the forum he needed. Once again, it was too late before he realized it. "Well, you've seen what's happened with William Rehnquist. Bush poisoned him to make the job easier. He's going to do this to all four of the 70-year old justices, before replacing them with his right-wing Theocons! I have no proof, but I have a good feeling that his first move will make 13-year old Clarence Thomas the chief justice, followed by the appointments of John Ashcroft, Karl Rove, Jeff Gannon and James Guckert!"

"But Jeff Gannon and James Guckert are..."

"Quiet! That's what Rove WANTS you to think! There's two of them out there, I tell you!"

Alex Trebek looked Hinchey in the eyes and then determined that there would never be another episode of Celebrity Jeopardy! again.

Who The Hell Do I Think I Am (Frank's Quiz)

Answers to Frank J's Blogger Quiz:

1. Who the hell do you think you are?
Why, I'm Mitsurugi, of course. That wouldn't be my real name, but I like it enough for a pseudonym, despite my inherent whiteness.

2. So, other than blogging, what's your job? Do you work at some fast food joint, dumbass?
None currently. Still "trudging" through college.

3. Do you have like any experience in journalism, idiot?
Nope, but I also don't have any experience in lighting cats on fire, but that hasn't stopped me before.

4. Do you even read newspapers?
Actually, yeah. The Day, of Southeastern CT, and the USA Today. Old Gray Ladies piss me off, though, so I stay away.

5. Do you watch any other news than FOX News propaganda, you ignorant fool?
I don't own a television. I survive without it, thank you very much.

6. I bet you're some moron talk radio listener too, huh?
Does Imus count?

7. So, do you get a fax from the GOP each day for what to say, you @#$% Republican parrot?
I get a fax from the Green Party. Those tree-killing bastards! Wasting my trees!

8. Why do you and your blogger friends want to silence and fire everyone who disagrees with you, fascist?
Fascist? Try Stalinist! Wait... no... stay fascist.

9. Are you completely ignorant of other countries, or do you actually own a passport?
I know who the Governor General of Canada is (Adrienne Clarkson). I bet half of Canada doesn't even know that. Then again, I am arrogant, so 98 percent of Canada probably does know that. But do they know what she DOES?

10. Have you even been to another country, you dumb hick?
I grew up in New England. I think that's another country. That, and Canada. (Plus Quebec to please all you separatists out there)

11. If you're so keen on the war, why haven't you signed up, chickenhawk?
If you're so keen on gay marriage, why haven't you slept with members of the same sex? (Question does not apply to Andrew Sullivan) Other than that, I suppose it's because I don't have to. I'll sign up if there's a draft though.

12. Do you have any idea of the horrors of war? Have you ever reached into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face?
This one time at band camp... (nah, best let that old dog lie)

13. Have you ever reached into any pile of goo?
I shook hands with Ralph Nader once.

14. Once again, who the hell do you think you are?!
Your worst nightmare. That is, if your worst nightmare is me. If not, then I'm clueless.

Saturday, February 19, 2005

Gannouj... not Gannon

Even though I won't have ANY readers until eighteen months from today, I'll get the first question out of the way right now. This site has nothing to do with the now-infamous Jeff Gannon/James Guckert thingamajig. In an unrelated story, this site doesn't have anything to do with the Eason Jordan thingamajig either, though I do enjoy targeting journalists in Maryland and Virginia. ^_^;; (tis the "you didn't hear that HERE face", buddies)

By the way, if you're not familiar with this story, Kevin of Wizbang has a pretty easy to follow round-up

How to tell Baba Gannouj (Ganoosh) from Jeff (Non-Baba) Gannon.

1. Gannouj is usually a purée of roasted eggplant and tahini, flavored with garlic and lemon juice, according to dictionary.com. Jeff Gannon is not this, though apparently he does enjoy dressing up somewhat. If one of his costumes was in fact roasted eggplant and tahini, then I would have to clarify this point better.

2. Even though both this Ganoosh and Gannon can be found on the internet, Mitsurugi's Babaganoosh does not perform any sort of male escort service. As far as I know, anyway. *rummages through datebook furiously*

3. Mitsurugi's Babaganoosh never had any sort of press pass to the White House, and has only gone by the White House three times. Jeff Gannon did have such a press pass, and apparently asked softball questions. Presidents have had "reporters" like these for years. Except none were male prostitutes, I believe - though we're not sure about JFK's liasons.

4. While neither Ganoosh nor Gannon leaked the Valerie Plame memos, it is doubtful that roasted eggplant could ever leak anything besides eggplant-juice.

5. Mitsurugi's Babaganoosh has never had its closets checked for skeletons by numerous leftist blogs. There's still time though. On a side note, Ganoosh also needs to check his own closet and stop referring to himself in the 3rd person.

6. Jeff Gannon/James Guckert does not, and to our knowledge, has never chanted "Duke Sucks!" during a Maryland Terrapins men's basketball game. He has no idea what he's missing.

7. Jeff Gannon will never gratuitously link to imao.us. I will. And I will do it gratuitously, as stated in the last sentence. If there's anything Gannon does gratuitously, it's probably week-old news.

Now you know the difference between this site and Jeff Gannon. Or at least, I should hope so. If you don't, then I guess I'll have to dress up in an eggplant costume again. Er... um... for the first time. Yeah, that's the ticket.

Anyway, enjoy the baba gannon - GANNOUJ!