Saturday, April 02, 2005

Evil Glenn - Substitute Teacher? (A Filthy Lie)

(Part VI of the Evil Glenn Saga)

So I got word that my physics teacher was going to be absent on Tuesday. This was great! Now I didn't have to listen to his incoherent ramblings about his trip to Italy for another day! That was not to be the case, however. My joy was tempered when I walked into the classroom to discover none other than EVIL GLENN!

I tried to hide my identity, but he knew it was me. "Ah, well if it isn't the Babaganoosh. I'm surprised the university hasn't expelled you for being white and using a name like THAT yet. Then again, I'm surprised this university hasn't expelled ALL you dirty white folks."

The guy a row in front of me looked over. "Uh... aren't you white?"

"SILENCE!" Evil Glenn vaporized the student into nothingness with a flick of his wrist. I don't know why he didn't do that to everyone he opposed. Probably the law of Villain Incompetence.

Evil Glenn moved to the front of the class. "Now, I know your usual professor was teaching you about electricity, magnetics, and flux in his last lecture, but today we're going to go back to chapter 4 and discuss one-dimensional motion again. Take this hobo, for instance." He pointed to a hobo hanging 20 feet off the ground. "When I kick this board out from under this contraption, the hobo will fall to his death upon this sharp spear that I am currently impaling into the ground. This shows the law of gravity. Great friction between his body and the spear causes the slowdown between when he hits the spear, dies, and then slumps to the ground impaled. Just watch." He kicked the board, and the hobo died just as Glenn had planned it. Very bloodily. Approximately 20 percent of the class ran out of the room.

The next day I woke up late and rushed to Chemistry. I couldn't believe it. Evil Glenn! Once again, he had a hobo with him. I knew the results were NOT going to be pretty. "Now, class. Many of you still don't understand the effects of weak-acid equilibria. Watch as I throw this glass of hydrocyanic acid, a generally weak acid, into this hobo's eyes. About 14 peoples' jaws hit the ground simultaneously. Then he threw it. "OH MY GOD!" cried the hobo, covering his eyes.

Without even flinching, Evil Glenn pulled out a yellowish-green bottle. "And this is a strong acid, Hydrofluoric Acid. Watch." He threw that in the hobo's eyes, blinding him and dropping him to the floor, where Evil Glenn stabbed him repeatedly to end his misery. Seeing as I had biology at 9:00, and it was a 15 minute walk, I left chemistry at 8:40, 10 minutes before it ended.

At 8:56 I arrived in the biology building and walked up the flight of stairs to class. Awaiting me was none other than EVIL GLENN! "How in the world did you get here before me?" I asked. "What are you talking about? I've been here since 8 AM." Now I was thoroughly confused. "Now get in your seat before I murder you like the hobo you are."

In Biology, the hobo Evil Glenn brought fared no better. In this class he decided to show us how piranhas ate their food. It was VERY disturbing. I'll not go into it here. He continued the lesson by scratching his nails into the chalkboard, as I expected.

Suddenly, the side door opened and Glizzenn burst in! "Babaganizzle! Thank G to the O to the D almighty you are alright! That is NOT the real deal, holmes!" Thankfully, no one noticed this except me and four other people. I looked at him. "Please translate what you just said into American, or at least English English."

"That is not Glenn Reynolds. It is a member of his dark Nanobot Army consisting of billions of nanobots. Or should I say, NANOBAZIZZLES! Holmes, Evil Glennizzle has a Floating Battlesizzle the size of Vermont and it is heading this wizzle! He's gonna bust a cap in all our bootylicious selves!"

I looked out the door and saw it. A Floating Battlestation. Not the size of Vermont, but bigger than an airplane by a factor of around 12. Heading my way. Or... not, as it passed over my head due south... towards Washington DC! What's Evil Glenn up to now?

Glizzenn looked at me. "It doesn't matter what Evil Glenn is up to now." (That was incredibly creepy) "What mizatters is that he's got his e to the v to the i to the l clizzones substituting for teachers across colleges and universitizzles across the country and not even calling people Little Eichmizzles! The only one still here is that Arab Insurgent guy who hates Jews! Abu Mazen Al-T-sizzle or sumptin. Maybe he can help us."

I told him that Abu Mazen was not going to help us. Just then my chemistry teacher Evil Glenn and physics teacher Evil Glenn entered the room. It looked like a battle was about to commence.

Thankfully, a battle never did commence, as the Glenn robo-clones shorted out at the same time. Glizzen checked one and found the problem. "All outta da juice. Da PUPPY JUICE!" He pulled a bottle out of his pocket and drank from it. Eyew. These Glenn clones must have been a distraction as Mr. Reynolds went to Washington.

Should FrankJ be concerned? Find out in Part VII!

Frank J, Sarah K, and the War on Terror - PGH

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
(Part V of the Evil Glenn Saga)

I sat back in my reclining chair and turned on MSNBC, as any good patriot would. Imus was just finishing up. There was to be an announcement by President Bush concerning the war on terror any moment, and I wanted to live-blog it.

"My fellow 'Mericans" the President began. "We have a brand new weapon in the war on Terror. A way this war, and all future wars, will be fought. You see, two bloggers, Frank J, and SarahK, are gettin' murried. And they ain't gay, so don't worry. Unless Frank's a woman. Ah did catch him breast-feeding a cat once. But I'm pretty sure they're heter-hetro-hamster-not gay. Yeah. And they're our new weapon in the war on terror."

"Mister President", spoke up John Kerry, who had yet to sign his SF-180, "How can you insist on using two members of the common people who just happened to meet in the blogo-globe as a weapon in the war on terror?"

"First off, it's Blogo-sphurr", replied the President. Still wrong, but closer. "These two lovestruck weapons-happy bloggers will have the terrorists cowering in their spider holes."

Mohammed al-Q-something looked towards his "Insurgentmates". "This is bad news. They were tough enough to take on the Puppy Blender, AND competent enough to put up with Aquaman. Perhaps we should just put down our weapons and read the Qu'ran peacefully to ourselves like average American Muslims."

Abu Mazen al-T-something-else gave his comrade a stern glance and a butt to the back of his head with a rifle. "There will be no complacency within our ranks. We serve Allah, and Allah alone, with kickbacks to Cotecna, of course."

A loud chorus of "Cotecna Akhbar!" broke out. That was the last thing they were able to say, however, before a group of marines arrived at their location, quickly followed by SarahK and with FrankJ breast-feeding both cats simultaneously leading up the rear. The marines took out their standard-issue weaponry, and SarahK and FrankJ both pulled out their biggest guns as well. It was quite a sight for the terrorists to see Frank pull out his guns with the cats still attached, but he did it anyway, and proceeded to shoot six terrorists to death.

After about a 4-minute gun battle, all that were left were Mohammed Al-Q and Abu Mazen Al-T. Mohammed once again implored Abu Mazen to give up his terrorist ways. This time, Abu Mazen relented. "I won't have to like Jews, will I?"

One of the marines responded. "Only if you promise to become a college professor. Those guys can hate Jews all they want but we still can't do anything about them."

The first battle with FrankJ and SarahK was a success, and they weren't even married! This was going to change the way the US fought the war on terror, and in ways no one expected.

"Hmmm... so Frank J and SarahK are being used as weapons in the war on terror, whereas I'm sitting here blogging." mused Glenn Reynolds from his floating battlestation. He then had an idea. Glenn walked past the plush-chamber and past the dungeon and into the pilot's room. Apparently, Evil Glenn also had Stan Lee strapped to a chair and being forced to pilot the Evil Floating Battlestation! (just imagine his logo flying overhead)

"Fly to the Tora Bora region along the Afghanistan/Pakistan border. No questions, just do as I say. Frank J and SarahK cannot one-up me!" Stan Lee grudgingly began piloting in that direction. "Faster, Lee, or else you'll join this hobo in my Dead Pool!" With that, Evil Glenn snapped a hobo's neck and Stan Lee picked up the Floating Battlestation's pace.

The Floating Battlestation arrived over Tora Bora. Evil Glenn looked down at the mountains and caves and immediately knew where to go. "There. Osama is in that cave there. Pilot it over there." Glenn was now speaking to himself. "You know, Osama, you wander from place to place without a permanent home or a means of livelihood anymore. That makes you a hobo, and completely worth murdering." He moved over to his Insta-panel of Doom and opened up a small hatch, from which a red button emerged.

"Time to drop the Insta-Bomb" He smirked. He pressed the button, and a hatch opened underneath the battlestation, and a giant A-Bomb dropped out of it onto Tora Bora!"

Osama bin Laden's last words were "This was not the Instalanche I had in mind!" Then there was nothing.

My senses tingled, so I switched over to FoxNews just in time for a Breaking News bulletin. Osama bin Laden was killed by a mysterious floating battlestation?! WTF?

President Bush sat back in his chair and laughed. This was exactly what Chimpy the Shrub McBusHitler had in mind when he put the two together on his taskforce. He counted on the Insta-rage to boil over great enough to drop the Insta-bomb and make an Insta-Corpse out of Osama. And he got what he planned. Frank J and SarahK would have a bigger effect on the War on Terror than either of them would ever realize.

Friday, April 01, 2005

Quote of the Day (May be Dirty)

Guy 1: Well, I'll tell you - it looks stranger than a cat spinning around in a dryer.
Guy 2 (hippie-person): What?! Dude, that's completely screwed up.
Guy 1: Relax man - I'm not speaking from experience. Sheesh.
Guy 2: Still...
Guy 1: It's not like I have a dryer.
Guy 2: WTF?! O_O

And of course guy 1 was me.
I don't have a cat, either - so don't be so worried.
Plus, I like cats more than dogs, and dogs don't go in dryers, they go in blenders.

Introducing Glizzenn!

(Part IV of the Evil Glenn Saga)

I was sitting there, drinking a shot of orange juice, watching MXC on Spike TV, when the mail came. Surprisingly, there was a letter from someone named Reynolds, G. I was now worried. Was it time for payback for my little joke in which I stupidly used my own telephone?

Did I dare open it? Would it contain anthrax? Would it contain a blue dress? I shuddered at the thought. I took out my letter opener and quickly sliced the top of the envelope away. A letter came out, unharmed. I picked it up off the floor and read it.

"At 2:41 fo sho, I will arrive. Be ready, mah nizzle." At first glance thinking it was some sort of incomprehensible foreign language, I then realized it was plain English thanks to the Great Society and Lyndon Johnson, among others. I looked at the clock. 2:37. Crap.

Sure enough, at 2:41, my doorbell rang. This was especially odd since I don't have a doorbell. I looked through the peephole (which I also don't have), to see another eyeball staring right back at me (don't you HATE it when people like me do that to you?)

"I'm here to help you, my brotha! I'm gonna save your bee-yotch!" I stopped, puzzled, not knowing whether to open the door or call 9-1-1. Unfortunately, I couldn't remember the number, so I opened the door. There stood a six foot white guy in tacky pimp clothes and the most outrageous car I could ever imagine. He shook my hand. "My name is Glizzenn Reynolds, and I'm here to help you and get revenge for what my creator did to me."

I looked at him. "Why not Frank J?" I asked. "He was bought out by some Japanese company which I THINK could be part of an Evil Glenn/Anime/Plush Company/Halliburton caba- I mean, Halibizzling Cabazztic My Knucka!"

A drop of sweat ran down the side of my head just like in all those cartoons. "Did you say you were going to save my bee-yotch? What in the holy smurf is a bee-yotch?"

Glizzen paused, as if comprehending the fact that I had no idea what the hell he was saying. "A bee-yotch is your gal, man! That reporter chick that's being held by Glenn and his thugz! What's her name - Oh I can't remembizzle!"

Another awkward silence. "If you're referring to Akatsuki, she is not my bee-yotch, gal, or girl as we normal people say it. It is a strictly business relationship. I do believe that I can get her back to work safely from Evil Glenn's clutches one way or another."

Glizzen cocked his head as if to say something incoherent and stupid. "Don't be disrespecting yo bee-yotch, son - you'll live to regrizzle it. Now, I don't care if you wanna or not, fo sho you and yo thugz are gonna bring this Instapunditizzle down wit' me!"

It was worse than I thought. Even worse than the time I was asked during a report on cloning whether we could somehow fuse cattle genes with a tomato to make a tomato that tasted like a cow or at least a tomato-sized cow. (Don't ask - that really happened)

"You want me to help you infiltrate Evil Glenn's Dark Castle of HoboMurderedness to rescue my employee and get revenge on your boss? Is that what I'm getting out of this?"

He corrected me. "Evil Glizzenn is my creatizzle. Creator, as you say"

My jaw dropped to the ground. I didn't catch that if he said it before. This was getting more screwed up every second. Then, without thinking:

"Sure, I've done stupider things." - Maybe it's time to reconsider that.

What will happen to the Babaganoosh and Glizzenn Reynolds? What does Glizzenn mean by "his creator"? How sleep-deprived must I be to come up with these last two posts? Find out whenever I get the urge to continue! ^-^

Update: Replace that ^-^ with "O_O"

Gizoogling Is Bad For You and Glenn

The Gizoogle Translation of Instapundit may be the funniest thing I've ever seen. Scroll down to the 11:11 AM post from 3/31, and try not to laugh when you see "Glizzenn Reynolds" talk about the "Constitutizzle".

I am now claiming Glizzenn Reynolds henceforth as a fictional character for all future assaults/insults in PGHs and Filthy Lies. No. This is not an April Fools' joke. ^-^

What IS an April Fools' joke is the current IMAO website. Don't be alarmed. Look in the FAQ and you'll see a question about Aquaman. Should tip you off.

Also in the running for best Gizoogle Characters/Things:
2) Wanna Be Gangsta Willis (Unintentionally Hilarious) [Note that he also cheers for a team that performed dismally. Gotta give him props for that, no matter what his politics]
3) Michelle Malkin's page finds a strange quote apparently uttered by Ronald Reagan.
4) Press Blingin' by Scizzott McClellan. Need I say more?
5) Sadly, Sortapundit's website does not load. However, the Gizoogle search still brings him up as Sortapizzle.
6) No matter how Gizoogle translates it, this will ALWAYS be translated funny.

Update: I have found that the Gizoogle Translations change from time to time, so I am using the screen capture tool to save the pics to my photobucket account.

2nd Update: If any blogger included in this round-up would like their Gizoogle Link/Screen Cap removed, just send an e-mail to (add the @, toss the dashes)

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

Need To Waste Two Hours?

Flash Flash Revolution

Exactly what it sounds like, except for those of us who can't dance. ^-^

Just don't get caught on the job.

Monday, March 28, 2005

Evil Glenn's April Fools Day Prank (A Filthy Lie)

[A Filthy, Filthy, Filthy Lie]
(Part III of the Evil Glenn Saga)

Evil Glenn scowled. Frank J and Harvey had gotten him. While half-asleep, he had woke up that morning to prepare his breakfast smoothie. But something was amiss. It tasted so strange. He splashed cold water in his face to wake himself up, and he looked down into his puppy storage bin to see what was wrong with his latest drink.

Cat fur.

Harvey and Frank had tricked him into drinking a kitty smoothie, today, April 1st. Then it hit him. He had been April Fooled!

It was time for revenge.

Evil Glenn got into his Evil-Glennmobile and headed off to teach. However, he couldn't see out his back window, and he could hear people cheering him on from behind him. He pulled over and saw the sticker attached to his back window "Jesus Christ is my Savior". Angrily, he ripped it down, knowing that basil's Coalition of the Willing was behind it.

It was time for revenge.

When Glenn got to his office, there was another surprise awaiting him - a note from the University President to meet with him immediately. Upon reaching the office, the president pushed a paper over to Glenn entitled "Capitalism Roxxors!" by one "Evil Glennn Reynolds"

Evil Glenn knew immediately that the three "N"s signified the work of Ogre. The President of the University just looked at him. "How do you explain this, Dr. Reynolds? You realize that all university professors are to take an oath to Communism's Glory before their hiring, do you not? If I recall, you took the oath yourself and renewed it for seven consecutive years!"

"This paper was not written by me! I would never soil the name of the great Mao, agrarian reformer of great justice!" Glenn ripped up the paper and stormed back to his office. That was three times he had been nailed by the Alliance.

It was time for revenge.

Evil Glenn had no sooner sat down at his desk when his phone rang. "Yes? What do you mean? OUT OF BUSINESS?! WHO THE SMURF COULD HAVE PUT ME OUT OF BUSINESS! McCain?! How could he stop my penguin porn business?! WHAT?! PANDA PORN?! THAT'S BRILLI-I MEAN, DISGUSTING!"

Evil Glenn slammed the phone down. "Hmm... how can I get into the business of selling Panda Porn? It seems... intriguing... Wait a minute..." He looked at his caller ID

(523)-310-3441: Babaganoosh, T M

"ROAR!" roared Glenn. For the fourth time before 8 AM, he had been pranked upon by Alliance Bloggers. It would not be the last, as he promptly logged onto his computer to blog, but received an e-mail instead touting "Lebanese Protest Goodness!" Naturally following his baser instincts, he clicked on the link.

A windows button appeared on his computer, saying "Check your leftmost file cabinet!" Glenn was puzzled, but once again, he did. As he did, a bucket of excrement fell upon him. He knew somehow that it had something to do with monkeys, and thus SpaceMonkey was implicated. (Didn't I say it was a filthy, filthy, filthy lie?)

It was time for revenge.

Five tricks would have to be repayed. Well, close to it, anyway. He still had that advantage over the Babaganoosh in that he still held his reporter captive (and knew how to use caller ID). He also still held the advantage over SpaceMonkey in that he had murdered more hobos. Glenn locked his office door and went to work.

First was the blog. He set up an April Fools' Template and began giving Insta-Lanches to the Deaniac/Far Left side of the blogosphere, as well as the Uber-Islamist "wing" of the 'sphere (Electronic Intifada received its largest visit total ever), shocking even bloggers not in on the act, like John Hawkins of Right Wing News, who was heard to say "What in the smurf?!" and Michelle Malkin, who was suspended somewhere between meltdown and probably meltdown.

He then hit gold when he visited IMAO. It seems SarahK was to become SarahJ! This was getting to be perfect, but then he found something even moreso, and it became less of an April Fools' prank and more of one of Evil Glenn's evil schemes of pure evil evil! The sight of this picture gave him all the incentive he needed to crash the wedding and then steal Frank's soul! He began to laugh in his own maniacally Heh-ish laughing way. Not surprisingly, this was immediately followed by birds flying away from their perches on trees a la a horror flick. Evil Glenn just continued his laughing. Frank J's soul would be his.

*By the way, congrats to Frank J and SarahK! ^_^

Thursday, March 17, 2005

North Korea's Grievances - A Precision Guided Humor Assignment

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)
(An INCREDIBLY gratuituous over-use of links post)

Due to blogger bugginess, this post was accidentally posted when it was around 5 to 10% complete. Ignore this post for now. It's going to be updated.

Harvey of the Alliance has commanded us to set our sights upon a foe other than Evil Glenn this time around.

Why is North Korea so grumpy?

Well, I do believe that my wonderful agents/multiple personalities have been able to dig up a few things that could be bothering the Totalitarian Police State as of lately.

1. Go here. Look whose name appears under the title. They don't like that.
2. That whole "outpost of tyranny" escapade.
3. That South Korea was not united with the North under Communism after 1953.
4. That South Korea got to host the World Cup in 2002.
5. Kim Jong Il lost a $15,000 bet on the first Survivor...
6. ...and another $30,000 on the first winners of American Idol (yecch)...
7. and then somehow LOST on his own version of North Korean Idol!
8. Michael Moore once tried to eat the country because he thought "DPRK" was pronounced "Da Pork". This resulted in Kim Il Sung's death in 1994.
9. Jealous that Evil Glenn wouldn't post any pictures of North Korean Protest Babes. Indeed.
10. Were never tortured at Abu Ghraib by women's undergarments.
11. Were upset that the flattering article about them didn't occur in a major newspaper.
12. Have never been misquoted or pseudoepigraphized by anyone named "Yong Tang"
13. Kim Jong Il lost in a hair vs. hair match against Jesse the Body Ventura in 1981.
14. US is stonewalling investigation into strangled diplomat.
15. Upset that US used a North Korean nuke on Antarctica.
16. Bill Clinton's selection of Monica was an insult to emaciated North Korean women everywhere.
17. The US keeps electing Jews to public office.
18. That whole "Capitalism" thing. Kim is not a fan.
19. Mysterious drop in all things puppy since DPRK-instapundit showed up on the scene.
20. Kofi Annan once mailed them a stern warning, but missed a key on his computer and spelled "DPRK" as "DORK". Kim was not amused.
21. Dick Vitale won't stop talking about "The Dukies!"
22. Robert Blake never asked any Koreans to kill his wife.
23. Michael Jackson once molested every single child in North Korea, leading to the current state of affairs.
26. Can't believe that Brit Hume has yet to resign.
27. Were promised pics of JEFF GANNON TRUTH GOODNESS, yet received nothing.
28. The "Axis of Evil" Speech
29. The Red Sox won the world series. Made me pretty miffed too.
30. Bobby Lee's portrayal of him on MADtv left much to be desired. Firstly, Bobby wasn't b@t$#!t insane enough.
31. Kim's tired of that whole "Dissent is Patriotic" meme.
32. He's sick and tired of countless spam on his blog.
33. Is sick of hearing people STILL using the phrase "All your base are belong to us"
34. Bilateral Talks replaced with Unilateral Invasion
35. A monkey killed Kim's family.
36. North Koreans are upset that the rest of the world has food.
37. Still miffed over the moon landing. C'mon! It was 35 years ago!
38. Creation of Israel? They're still bitter. Well, those who can read a map, anyway.
40. The US is acting way too Heteronormative.
43. Found out he wasn't on the phone book of Paris Hilton
44. North Koreans are still stuck playing Sega Genesis consoles.
45. Uh... the South has a much higher standard of living than the North does.
46. Can't even get smeared by FrontPage anymore.
47. Frank J. peed on all of their cats' heads.
48. Aquaman couldn't save them from any ACTUAL trouble.
49. Got confused with Vietnam one too many times.
50. North Koreans still upset that they got the part of the country bordering Russia
51. Someone once compared Kim's hair to a merkin. (I hope the blogosphere doesn't eat me alive for that one)
52. It's that time of the month. What? They need an excuse for each week of the year?

Oh... wait. I guess they do.

Update: Because I can:
53: There's no such thing as North Korea. Karl Rove created it in an attempt to bolster the Neo/Theo-Cons scare tactics platform so they could elect Chimpy The Shrub McChurchyBusHitler.
54: Justice Kennedy found that they had a right to be grumpy while perusing the Constitution and comparing it with foreign documents.
55: They got confused for North Carolina too. (sorry, Ogre ^_^)
56: Because Stone Cold Said So. (That's almost a decade old reference now - wow.)

Saturday, March 12, 2005

Evil Glenn's Investment Advice (A Filthy Lie)

(Part II of the Evil Glenn Saga)

Chief Harvey gave out the latest assignment last night, and he seems to get confused in the middle of it.

Everyone knows it costs more to get a one-line ad posted at Instapundit than it does to buy 120 seconds of airtime in the middle of the Superbowl. So what does Glenn do with all that money? I'll bet he's got a brilliant plan for it all. Which I want you to discover.

Your Filthy Lie Assignment this week is to answer the question:

If you asked Evil Glenn for investment advice, what would he tell you?

After losing Akatsuki two weeks before, I was in a downer. She was an excellent reporter, always with the best stories. Modestly cute, too - but she had disappeared. When Harvey sent this note out to the Alliance, I figured this would be my best chance to find out what happened to her. I quickly donned a John Bolton-esque moustache and packed my bags. I was going to Tennessee as a British businessman. The name was (insert British accent) Reg. Reginald Fairfield. (Do not ask how I know of this)

The trip to Evil Glenn's Evil Hideout which the University of Tennessee somehow ignored (it had a big "Kentucky Sucks" banner on it, so maybe they just figured it was a regular building anyway) was an uneventful one. However, as soon as I arrived at the door, it began raining blood. That was usually not a good sign.

When I opened the door to Evil Glenn's office, his chair was turned around. I could see part of his computer screen. It looked to be pornographic. Whether it was penguin-related or Lebanese-chick-related, I wouldn't know. Without turning around, he spoke. "Ah, Mitsurugi of Mitsurugi's Baba Ganoosh. I'm disappointed Harvey only sent you. Well, you and the Taco Bell Chihuahua, but I... dealt with that earlier. Let's just say tacos go great with pureed puppy." I winced. He continued. "Yes, so, Mitsurugi, have you come to find out about your female friend?"

"Actually", I started, "You've got the wrong guy. My name is Reginald Fairfield, and I'm looking for investment advice." My plan did not work.

"Reginald Fairfield? Don't make me laugh. Every evil law professor knows that was Boy Meets World, Episode 55." I cringed. I had only heard the name in passing. He must have looked it up on google in the three seconds I wasn't watching. Either that, or he had absolutely no life at all.

"Well, since I'm such an EVIL guy, I'll give you investment advice anyway. My first suggestion is that you either pay me 300 dollars, or you never leave here alive." I quickly paid up, not wanting to suffer the same fate as the chihuahua. "You should by ten shares of Homeless Orren Boyle's Oil. The stock ticker is, of course, HOBO. Just the name makes me want to worship Satan some more. Speaking of Satan, another wise investment is to sell your soul to him, like I did."

I interrupted. "Excuse me?"

Evil Glenn quickly recovered. "I like chocolate. Don't worry. Have one - it's not made of puppies. I haven't quite perfected that recipe. But as I was saying. You want to earn lots of money on the market? Invest in PenguiPorn, ticker symbol PGPRN. On a related note, Lebanese chicks are quite hot."

I interrupted again. "Excuse me? What does that have to-"

"SILENCE!" I silenced. "If you ever want to see your precious reporter again, you'll take my advice. If you own stock of any company that makes plush dolls, I suggest you sell it. The plush industry is looking at hard times ahead." I thought I heard a knock from the far wall, and a voice that sounded like Andrew Sullivan's, but then I figured I made it up.

It was then that the floor dropped out from under me and I found myself back outside. I had failed in both my missions, and all I learned was that Glenn Reynolds was a huge Boy Meets World fan. That made one of us. Man, I hated that show. I also had to report the bad news to Taco Bell. That was gonna be ugly.

Post Script: When dealing with Evil Glenn's investment advice, Caveat Instapundo Delenda McGannouj. Whatever that means. By the way - to answer the first question: What did Evil Glenn do with the money? Buy the "Calendar Girls of Lebanon". That, and lots of plush dolls.

Post Post Script: Anyone who followed Glenn's advice for the year ended up with a 1.4 million hit increase and 60,000 dollar net increase. They also sold their soul to Satan, got arrested for Penguin Porn Possession and got 10 years in jail for punching prison warden Frank J.

PPPS: I've been rather prolific in posting today, haven't I? Don't expect this again anytime soon.

Celebrity Jeopardy! Episode 2

Alex Trebek: Alright, it's time for another episode of Celebrity Jeopardy!

Crowd: *applause*

Trebek: Thankfully for our audience, the winner of game 1, Howard Dean, will not be making his appearance again until Game 4. Today, however, we have three Republicans vying for the title. If those of you in Hollywood can't remember what a Republican is, they're also known as racist, sexist, homophobic, poor-hating, greedy reThuglican Rovian Zionist evil nazi halliburtonesque Chimp-support- hey - who put this on the teleprompter? Hinchey? What the hell are you still doing here?

Hinchey: I'm here to find out the truth!

Trebek: ...Anyway, let's shed some light on our three Republicontestants. The first contestant is none other than President Bush himself!

Hinchey: Chimpy The Shrub McHitlerBurton! I knew it! You gave TREBEK a press pass too?

Trebek: Will security please escort this man out?

Bush: Heh... he doesn't even know half of the conspiracy yet.

Trebek: Our second contestant is self-proclaimed "Super Right-Wing Conservative" John McCain. John, welcome to the show.

McCain: Always a pleasure to be here Alex. Almost as much as it is a pleasure to silence bloggers. Now THERE's a bipartisan operation.

Trebek: Whatever. Our final contestant today is noted GOPper Senator Joseph Lieberman of Connecticut. Joe, how're you doing?

Lieberman: Um... I don't know what I'm doing here - you see - I'm a Democrat.

Trebek: Are you sure about that?

Lieberman: Well, yeah. Seeing as I ran on the vice-presidential ticket AGAINST George over there in 2000 and campaigned for the Democratic Presidential nomination in 2004, I'm pretty sure I'm a Democrat.

Trebek: What do you say to this revelation, Mr. President?

Bush: I say Joey's done a great job towing the party line.

Lieberman: I'm not even in your party! Hey - are you even listening? Are you even AWAKE?!

Trebek: Zzzzz... oh... what were you saying Mr. Lieberman? Oh, nevermind. Let's just get to the categories. They are; 'Conservative Views', 'The Blogosphere'...

McCain: ...after me and Feingold get through with them, they'll surrender so fast as to be known as the Frogosphere...

Trebek: Please be silent until I finish reading the categories. The four remaining categories are... 'Former Presidents', 'North or South', 'State Capitals', and 'Famous Senate Klansmen'. I should tell you that 'Famous Senate Klansman' is one of our infamous categories in which every answer is the same. In this case, the answer is "Who is Senator Robert Byrd." Now that I've given you the answer, you can't get that one wrong.

Bush: I'll take "Bomb Iraq" for 87 billion...

Trebek: Let's just pretend you didn't say that and go with "Former Presidents" for 100. "This man was Ronald Reagan's vice president, and the 41st president of the United States. President Bush, you should probably know this one, as he is your father".

Bush: ...

Lieberman: *sigh* Who is George Bush senior?

Trebek: That's correct, Joe! You sure seem to be good with the history of the GOP.

Lieberman: It was twelve years ago! I defeated the guy's father to win my senate seat!

Trebek: Nevertheless, Senator Lieberman, you have control of the board.

Lieberman: I'll take Conservative Views for 200. And I won't get it right.

Trebek: Alright, Conservative views for-

McCain: Abortion on demand! Big government! Minimum income! Separation of Church and State! Marraige for Gays! 195 other things!

Trebek: No - Senator McCain, you don't have to NAME 200 views conservatives hold, you just have to... wait... conservatives don't even believe any of the things you just said regardless!

McCain: I'm conservative, I believe in them.

Lieberman: That's too Democratic-Partylike even for ME.

Bush: That's because you're a Republican... heh heh.

Trebek: Let's just go to Famous Senate Klansmen for 100. Alright. I already told you the answer, you just have to repeat it. What the?

Bush: Gaaaaak! Gurk! Help! Ah'm... chokin... cough! COFF! GAK!

McCain: *gives him Heimlich* What the? Were you eating pretzels AGAIN?

Bush: *holding pretzel* Um... no. What makes you think that?

Trebek: I think we're just gonna cancel the show tonight. Cut the film.

Lieberman: Did you see that? He left without even saying goodbye! What a rude man he is. I'm so mad that I could vote cloture on the bankruptcy bill right now!

Dean: YEEAARGH! *busts through wall*

Bush: Aw, crap - what's he doing here?

Dean: I hate ReThuglicans and EVERYTHING THEY STAND FOR! *grabs Lieberman*

Lieberman: I'm not a Republican! Dammit! Why does everyone think I'm a Republican?! I beat George Bush's grandfather, for crying out loud!

Bush: Hey, Alex - I'll take North or South for 300. I'm going with the North. I think they can win the Civil War... Alex? Alex? Aw, crap. Alberto, you didn't send Alex to Guantanamo, didja? Alberto? Alberto? YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Bush: *wakes up* Dern. I thought I was on the telly-vision. I wish I could be on television. If only I had beaten President Gore... President... Gore? YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Bush: *wakes up* Dern. *looks over in Laura's direction* Andrew Sullivan? YAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Bush: *still there* What in the? LAURRRR-RRRRRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAA! *runs out of room screaming*

Jenna *coming from behind dresser*: Did he fall for it?

Laura *taking off AS mask*: Sure sounds like it

Barbara: I think he just gave Mr. Cheney another heart attack...

Monday, March 07, 2005

Link of the Week

If you have not played this game yet, leave and do so now. You will not regret it.

Enjoy it, AND the Baba Gannouj.
Update, 3/8/05, 1:10 AM: My score is posted HERE.
10249.49 meters. As far as I know, that's the highest score. I saw a 9900 and an 8300, but I haven't seen anyone else cross 10000 yet. I'm probably (definitely) wrong, but it's still cool.